Randy's First

Today is a year since Randy Pausch left us.

Like millions of others the world over, Randy’s Last Lecture touched me in ways I honestly cannot explain. Soon after watching the lecture on YouTube I started communicating with Randy, telling him about the impact he made in my life, and how we had this “cancer” connection with each other.

Randy wrote sparingly, as you would imagine a man who counted seconds. But I do remember one very poignant note he sent me, where he said he was “just about out of time…”

I broke down and cried. I read and reread the email. It brought back memories of the last weeks of Jennifer’s life, when I knew in my heart that we had but moments left.

Then the news came, a year ago today. I mourned for Randy; I grieved very deeply for him. It was as if I had lost yet another loved one to cancer.

I hate this disease so much. It has torn a hole in my soul. If I could, I would dedicate my life to fighting this disease – I have in my own little way, but it is never enough.

I try to live life based on many of Randy’s isms: “just how we play the hand” “Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome” “Loyalty is a two-way street” and many, many more.

Once in a while when I feel lost, lonely and depressed, I load up Randy’s video and I sit there for one hour, sixteen minutes and twenty-seven seconds in awe. And I find my spirit lifted, I have laughed and cried and laughed some more with Randy and all at CMU on that fateful day. I especially look out for Jai, and light up when she comes forward for the cake. I felt a connection with her because she was a fellow caregiver, because she now too knows the sense of emptiness of loss from losing a wonderful, wonderful spouse. I still visit Randy's website almost everyday, hoping to find an update on the family...

Randy, I know you are in heaven, because one as good, who suffered so much must be in a place where you continue to look over your loved ones and enjoy their achievements, living up to their childhood dreams and realizing their fullest potential as the most wonderful people God wanted them to be.

Just as I know that Jennifer watches over us, and can feel her presence at times I believe Randy also watches over his loved ones.

To Jai, Dylan, Logan and Chloe, I hope this anniversary is filled with much peace and happiness, I know the loss, and the grief is hard, but in time, you will be able to fill this painful space with the love your husband/father had for you.

Cancer may have claimed Randy your beloved from this side of heaven, but it will never ever diminish his great love for you. And know this, like millions throughout the world, our thoughts and prayer and love are with you today.